It’s November 1st. Can hardly believe it. It’s been such a crazy, busy, turbulent Fall.
One of my friends told me over the weekend she missed my blogs, and wished I was writing more in my blogs, and sharing more, and I told her that I couldn’t. That things had actually been very hard for the past eight weeks….ten weeks…and that I was barely getting from one place to another, and from one event to another, and yet, because I’m so private, and protective of my family, I don’t share that. I don’t tell people too much. I’m proud. And I have a public face…the author face. So I tend to shut down when I’m in the middle of a storm. I put my head down and just push on, push through, push to the other side. But everytime I get to ‘the other side’, I realize it was an illusion. I haven’t finished crossing the river or sea. I’m just resting on a bit of sand and rock. Still in the middle of the sea and storm.
And it has been a storm. A family, parenting storm that’s done a number on me, and my heart, as well as rest of the family.
Why tell you now? Because in the wake of Superstorm Sandy, and the fact that so many of you read me, and follow my blog, because I’m honest, I have decided to open up a little bit about my past few months, and share with you how difficult its been promoting my new book, when it hurts to breathe…swallow…sleep.
The bottom line is that we are getting through it.
The bottom line is that I’m tough, and a fighter, and a fierce believer in faith and my God, and my God will see us through. One way or another. But faith doesn’t take the sting away, or the ache away, or the problem away. It just helps you get through.
And so I’m getting through.
I write for women, and wives, and moms because I’m a woman, a wife, a mom. And being just one of those three is challenging. Being all three can sometimes feel impossible. There are good moments, calm moments, moments of happiness and satisfaction and peace. And then there are moments when you feel like you are juggling knives or fiery torches…or both.
As a mom of teenage boys, I’m sometimes overwhelmed by their maleness, and selfishness, and testosterone drive. I tell myself that down the road when the frontal cortex is mature things will settle and calm and it’ll get better. I just have to get them there. Just have to get through the rough stuff and hopefully they’ll survive the crazy wild impulsiveness of 16 and 17 and 18 and reach that time. Hopefully one day their heart and mind and self-control all gel….hopefully. Right?
Thank goodness for my faith. Thank goodness I have something else to believe in besides me, because I definitely am having a hard time believing in me. I am not a good example. No great role model. I’m so damn sensitive and emotional. My oldest son tells me that I’m too idealistic. But I am determined to cling to the values I cherish. I’m determined to shoot high, determined to fight for the family I want–a loving family, a kind family, a family of good people, generous people, people who can and will put others first.
I’m having to scrap my November events so I can be at home, keeping watch over my boys, and trying to clear some head and heart space so I can write the book that was due two weeks ago. I hate having a book so late, and I hate disappointing readers and my friends at Manic Mommies, but the mom-thing is incredibly challenging right now, and I’ve got to pull it together and get my family through.
I appreciate all of you. I’m grateful you enjoy my books. I’m lucky to have you as friends and voices of reason in my life. We women have to stick together. We need to form our own community, because as a community, we become stronger, and happier, and more resilient, too.
You all know the real me. It’s not author Jane. It’s the woman and mother Jane, and while I don’t like the hard times, I know we all have them. I know we all have struggles and challenges, disappointments and pain. That’s just life. But the hard times won’t break us. The hard times just teach us how to love deeper, how to forgive more completely, and how to hope more fully.
Love to you all. I love you, and even if I’m quiet on my blog, know that I’m here for you. xoxoxox