Every now and then I go back into the archives of my JaneBlog, and revisit something I’ve written, and share it with you again.
Some I share because I like the blog or the story. Others I share because I’m still working on that life lesson. Respecting the Turtles is one of those blogs about learning a life lesson. I wrote it in January 2010, three years ago, when Mac was nine months old and I was struggling with my writing and losing weight and my self-esteem. I don’t know if you know, but I had terrible post-partum blues following Mac’s birth, and the medicine they gave me made it impossible for me to focus and write…but I had deadlines. I had to perform. It took almost another year before I started to feel like myself again.
So why share this blog again?
I’m reposting it because once again it’s January, and even though Mac is now 3 1/2, I’m frustrated at how slowly I’ve slogged through this book. I don’t like writing over the holidays, and Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years this year was dominated by this book. Please God, let this be a good one or I’ll…I’ll…
what? Stop writing?
This is why I’m dragging this blog out. I thought it was time to breathe, and remember this is my life. This is my real life. There isn’t any other life, so I better make this one good.
So, deep breath, Jane. Be patient with yourself, and kind. Turtles are lovely creatures.
January 26, 2010
I’ve had a hard time with my blog lately. I feel almost queasy about writing a blog. It’s not because I don’t want to write one, but because there’s so much I’m thinking about, so much I’m feeling, so much I’m struggling to put into place that I feel, well…fraudish.
I talk about self-acceptance.
I talk about self-esteem.
I talk and talk and well, sometimes it’s just talk.
The truth is I’ve really wrestled with…me…lately. Wrestling with who I am and what I expect and what I deep down believe.
I’m so good at empowering others. I tell everyone else to be nice to themselves. To love yourself. To be kind to yourself. And then in the privacy of my own home–and mind–I beat the hell out of me. And it hurts. As well as being exhausting.
I’ve been so mad at myself for not writing more. For not going hungry more. And running more. For not slipping back into a tiny, tan, successful, glorious version of me…a version I’m not sure even, or ever, existed. But that’s what my tricky mind remembers and that’s what I must do to what…sell a book? Be loved? Be happy?
And so I’ve had endless conversations with myself, probably more than I should, probably more than what is safe and sane. But during one of these fierce conversations I had this ephihany—I’m going to get there.
It’s just going to be slow.
Maybe really slowly. Perhaps even painfully slowly. But maybe its okay to be a turtle. Maybe the slow crawl will get me the same results the sprint would. Maybe. And even if not, its where I am now.
Creeping along. Trying hard. Doing my best. And seeing a lot of the same scenery. I suppose one really gets to appreciate the scenery when you’re not racing, or breathless, or fighting a side ache.
I once enjoyed being the sprinter. I felt smug, the clever hare bounding along, dashing over the heads of turtles, grinning as I shot from here to there. Well, that Jane’s gone. Don’t know if she’ll ever come back.
So I’ve spent the last nine days learning to love the turtle in me and say things like “good turtle”, “lovely turtle”, “just keep going, turtle.” You see, there’s not a lot of glamour in being a turtle but if I get to the end…and don’t give up…I’ll have the journey and the success.
And maybe peace of mind.
In 2010 I offered a gift for one of my commentors, and this time I have prizes for 2 of you! Are you a turtle or a hare? Have you ever been a turtle? Would you want to be different than you are? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Talk to me, posting your thoughts in the comment section below. The contest will run through Sunday, January 6th and I’ll announce the two winners names on Monday morning, January 7th once I’m back in California.
Enjoy your weekend and be kind to yourself. Even better…enjoy yourself. You’re awesome. You’re unique. You’re you. Here’s to a wonderful 2013!