Oh The Vermin

I was actually going to go to bed and not post anything tonight because I’m really sleepy and still recovering from a wonderful vacation (sorry, everybody, but it’s the truth) but I can’t actually fall asleep because…something is rotting in or beneath my house.

I’m not trying to gross anyone out, and no, it’s not a ladylike topic, but I’m head of my own household and that means dealing with bad stuff falls on me.

Why do women get married? I’ll tell you. They want someone else to drive in traffic. They want someone else to take out garbage, clean up dog poop in the yard, and make sure the cars run. And lastly, they want someone else to deal with decaying rodents.

I kid you not. And I know this smell, Eau de Vermin because I’ve dealt with it before.

It was here a couple weeks ago. Barely. I thought it must be just dust or dampness because it was still at that mildly musky stage but give me a week away, return me to a frigid house, and despite the cold snap we’ve been experiencing, the thing rotting is still rotting.

Something’s rotten in Denmark AND Bellevue (a bad reference to Hamlet but so what. I’m gagging as I type. Referencing Shakespeare in my hour of need is keeping me sane, and the bile down.)

First thing Monday I will call the pest control people and they will help identify exactly where the problem is (somewhere near the kitchen, unfortunately, and somehow in or near the heating duct) and they will hopefully fix the problem which will end the stench. And lest you think I’m exaggerating (which I never ever do), let me tell you both my boys smelled it, too, last night when we returned home. To quote Ty, it was, ‘Oh gross, what’s that smell?’ And Jake, ‘It smells like something died.’

I’m thinking it might be one of Mango’s lovers but that’s just too freaky.

But it could be.

And I’m wondering, which lover would throw himself in the pyre (heater duct) in grief? Martin, the nerdy doctor mouse who drove the red corvette. Or Jed, the bad biker rat with a taste for big engines, hard liquor, and fast women.

I’m thinking it was Jed.

I’m thinking the bad boys are the real romantics in the world.

And I’m thinking the pest control people can not get here fast enough.

The stench can not go on.