Lemonade

I hate it when my kids leave me for their dad’s.  I’m not saying I don’t want them to see their dad, but I hate it when they go.  I hate the sudden stillness in the house, a stillness that will last five days until they return. 

When they go everything changes.  When I’m on deadline its a good change but when I’m trying to focus on being a mom and then the boys are suddenly gone I feel at loss, as though I’m just half a person.  The woman remains but the mom goes dormant. 

Last night I didn’t even get to hug or kiss them goodbye, either.  Joe picked them up from an appointment and it was raining hard and dark and he sat in his car while boys transferred their things and then they were jumping into his car to get dry and off they went.   For a moment I couldn’t breathe and then I had to remind myself that it’s not forever.  It’s just five days.  And this is life.  Life has goodbyes in it even though I hate them so. 

Because I’m not good at saying goodbye, I always do it fast.  No prolonged hugging, kissing, teary words.  I always walk away quickly or shut the door quickly or turn away and busy myself with something else or otherwise I’d just start crying and never stop.  Once at the Honolulu airport I stood on the curb and watched Ty drive away and that made me cry and then once I start crying I couldn’t stop.  I went through security in tears, and sat against a wall in tears and I felt like Chicken Little and the sky had fallen.  I was so sad a tiny little older lady from Hawaiian airlines stopped to see if I was alright and when she heard I was just sad she told me to go to the bathroom and wash my face and pull myself together.

 So I don’t do that now.  No crying allowed.

And back at home, in my empty dark house with the rain coming down endlessly I thought, I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to spend the next five days alone.  I’ll be too lonely.  I’m already lonely.  So I got online and bought a last minute ticket to Hawaii and once I land in Honolulu I’ll meet Ty and then we’ll board another plane for the Big Island.  We’re going to spend the weekend at Volcano House and hike around the crater and visit the beaches and explore a place I’ve never seen before.  Now if that isn’t make lemonade out of lemons, I don’t know what is.