Chew Toy

I’m not a spooner. Not a big cuddler. Night time you have to go to your side of the bed and leave me alone. It’s just me. I get hot. I sleep on my stomach. And then my back. And then my side. And my back, and my side, and my stomach…it’s a big job. I can’t be taking care of you and me at night, so.


I have a dog that thinks I’m her mom.

And thinks she needs to sleep with me. Cheek to cheek. And the cheek to cheek isn’t so bad now that I’ve taken her plastic cone off her head, but for ten days we’ve been sleeping cheek to plastic and it made for some long, and uncomfortable nights.

But the cone is gone and it’s just dog and me and we share my pillow. And okay, she’s thirteen pounds now, the size of two sourdough loaves of bread and there is room in my queen size bed for Jane and some loaves of bread. But I don’t know if there is room for Jane’s head and 2 loaves of bread on my pillow. Especially when the loaves of bread lick my neck. This is me at night: No Abi, no. Don’t lick. No. Abi. Abi. Abi, no.

At night she must bathe me before we sleep. I guess in some dog cultures this is very sweet but…mmmph. No, thank you. I’ve had my bath today. And I’ve washed my face and the expensive facial cream I put on before bed is to help with cellular renewal and fighting wrinkles and lightening dark spots and it’s not to be licked off. By anyone.

When I first met my boyfriend and he said his dogs slept with him I thought ‘eeew’. I mean, I had a dog for 10 years but she was a lab and she slept in the family room in her bed so she could be near the door and be available to show the robbers where the silver was so the robbers didn’t have to wake anyone and could take as much as they could as quickly as possible.

My new puppy has a different philosophy. She’s sleeping with me (on me) and that way she can make sure she knows where I am at all times. It doesn’t matter where I move in bed, she must make sure she’s touching me. She’s like the twin sister I never had.

And am glad I never had.

Why didn’t I want the dog in my bed? Well, I just thought sometimes some dogs smell. And I thought some dogs you know, have a lot of gas. And some dogs drool. And some had fleas. And ticks. And some chew on themselves at night. And others…lick. And this is a lot of things going on when I’m trying to empty my mind, find that happy place, and go to sleep.

So what is the point of this post?

There really isn’t one. I’m just avoiding going to bed because I’m not ready to become a much loved chew toy.

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