I’m not posting much.  But then, I’m not doing much of anything but struggling to comfort my newborn who has acid reflux and now cries night and day.   On Wednesday morning Surfer Ty returned to Hawaii for the next two weeks and his departure took the wind out of my sails.  I was coping while he was here but his absence has just brought me to well…my knees.  I miss him.  I don’t want to do this without him.  And the last three days have felt endless.  How will I get through the next ten?

I supposed I’ll get through by doing what I always do:  taking it a day at a time.  Fighting to focus on the immediate moment.  And reaching out when I’m at a breaking point which is what I did yesterday.  I called a couple friends and begged them to come and hold Mac for an hour this weekend so I can at least walk out for awhile…even if its just to get fresh air away from the sound of him screaming.  Because he screams and shrieks and writhes in pain.

 I thought it’d be different.

I feel like an eighteen year old teen mom who imagined a sweet chubby cheeked Gerber baby.  Instead Mac is angry and unable to be comforted easily and after hours of it I just cry.

I shouldn’t cry.  I’m a big girl.  I’m a mom with two boys out of infancy.  But I’m so filled with mixed emotions.  Helplessness.  Sadness.  Guilt.  Love.  I want to help him but there’s so little I can do–we’ve seen the doctors three times and Mac is now on Zantac and supplementing with Gripe water and sleeping in his car-seat, and being fed upright–but even with every trick in the book he cries most of the time.

I wasn’t going to share any of this.  Wasn’t going to let you think that my time with Mac was anything but blissful but I thought, come on Jane, you’re the queen of honesty.  Be honest about motherhood with new baby.  Be honest that its far more challenging than you even imagined and why you’re not at keyboard and why you’re not reading and why you’re not even smiling much.

My big boys don’t understand why their new brother only cries.  They want me to make him stop.  They want to be able to talk to me without me staring at them like the dead.   They want me the way I used to be.  Hell.  I want me to be the way  I used to be.  I want to cuddle and cradle this new baby without feeling like I’m losing my mind.

So there you have it.  Jane with her nearly four week old son in desperate need of a time-out.  Which is why I’m here, at my desk, letting Mac shreik away in his room for fifteen minutes.  His crying just makes him more gassy.  He’ll throw up endlessly now that he’s cried so hard.  But I had to have a break.  I had to put him down.  I had to step away.  It was that or cry again.  And I can’t cry.  Yet.  It’s only nine twenty in the morning.


  1. Oh Jane, I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a bad time. Wish I were near by and could come over and hold Mac so you could have a break. Reach out to all your friends and get them to take turns with him so you can get some rest. Friends are always more than happy to help. Does the doctor say how long before he’s better?

  2. PS Just got Mrs. Perfect from the library and I’m enjoying it SOOOOO much! I haven’t read a book this fast in ages. I’ve told my sister about it, too.

  3. Hi Jane: Oh boy! What a mess! Poor Baby Boy Mac! And poor Mom as well and the other boys. I want to say something profound to you but there are no words. I want to make it better but too far away. You have great friends in Seattle and they are helping right? Sure, they are. I know you’ve thought about this but what about a nanny or part time baby nurse aid – you know what I mean. I don’t think any Mom can function with a baby who’s in pain like this. When my youngest was a baby she was colic and the dr. prescribed Paragoric. I called it liquid gold. It was the only thing that helped her, but it knocked her out but at the time that was great. I don’t even think they make it any more. I just think there’s got to be some other medicine to help him other than zantac. I am so sorry for you, Baby Boy Mac and the older boys. If I was closer, I would be there and holding him crying or not. I am praying for you guys. Hope it helps. Love to all! And by the way, you needed to get the truth off your chest. And it’s ok to cry – you need that outlet – don’t be so brave and let the tears out.

  4. Big hugs. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. Before you know it you will have a smiley, giggly baby holding his head up and alert to the world. I know that isn’t much help now, but hold onto that thought.
    Let yourself be human. Be as honest as you feel comfortable being. My mother thought it was horrible that when my baby was born I said he looked like a cross between the aliens in Alien and Poyeye. But it was true he did! I still loved him, but he was not a cute newborn by any stretch.
    Keep reaching out for help when you need it.
    Thanks for sharing.

  5. I don’t know if there are any words that can comfort you at this time. However, know that other mothers around the world are with you in spirit if they can’t be there with you physically. I will keep you in my prayers.

    I agree with Patricia if it is feasible get a part time helper. If this will save your sanity, do it. Spend that time with the big boys. Hope you have a better day.

  6. Jane,

    So sorry to hear it’s tough. My daughter had a bad case of acid reflux w/ the non-stop crying. The morbid, horrible thoughts that went through might head made me think I was going to end up in an institution.

    And now she is one month past her 4th birthday and is usually an absolute delight. Except right now she is lying on the floor having a tantrum. It never ends, but it does get better.

    You are in my thoughts.

  7. Jane,

    Wish there was something I could do to help you out. Just realize that you and Mac and the boys will get through this stage. Here’s hoping the meds and the water will bring the little guy some kind of relief so you can get some rest. Big hugs to you all.

  8. Jane,
    What a stinker Mac is, I think he is a test for you and a lesson for all us readers. We all worried he would stay breech, but he did a flip after all. It would be too dull and trite for him to be a smiley “Gerber” baby right off. Just like he had us worried about being breech, he is doing it again, but I bet he will “flip” and it will be smooth sailing (at least for a while) once some remedy works or this phase passes.
    Our son had colic for a few weeks and the only thing that worked was holding him and walking the floor. He did get very sick at about 11 months and when we took him to the doc’s he did a projectile vomit across the room that impressed everyone!
    Still, it is only funny looking back, so do get some help. I am in town on this holiday weekend because I have a nasty cold, or I would be game for taking an hour or two shift to give you a break, but keep me in mind and send me an email for an evening or weekend break later. Don’t feel guilty about being human and feeling so frustrated and desperate. You just want him not to be in pain, because that is why he is crying, but nothing works and that hurts you, too. All us moms understand how horrible that makes you feel, but do take it a day at a time and someday soon he will grow out of it.

  9. Oh, Jane, I’m so sorry to hear how difficult everything has been lately. Sending you big hugs! And from one “baby projectile vomiter” to another, tell baby Mac that he needs to give mommy a break. I’m happy to help you in any way I can and if you need another baby holder just let me know. Even though I’m favorite auntie in my family and not a mom, I’ve been known to have a “baby whisperer” effect on quite a few babies I’ve held. 😉 No promises, but I’m always happy to come hold him (crying or not) to give you a break. You know how to get a hold of me. 🙂


  10. My heart aches for you, and for Mac. Reading your words took me back to three years ago, when I had so many hopes for our little boy, who now has Autism, acid reflux, asthma, and is my miracle baby. I know you are probably getting a TON of advice, but, have you tried soy formula? If not, talk to your ped. about it. It was the ONLY thing that helped (ever-so-slightly) with the projectile, the gassiness, and the crying. Acid reflux is a nightmare…I am feeling with you. Today our Ty takes Pepcid AC and eats like a champ. You will get there…you are in the eye of a big storm that will pass.

  11. Take whatever help and time to yourself that you can get. Someone not close to him but is relaxed can give good care and will help you tremendously. Call in all ‘favors’ at this time and it’ll go by quickly till your surfer gets back. You really need some pampering and away time..just for you to get your head on and keep on. Good luck, glad you told us…there is help for you, take it.

  12. Aww Jane I’m sorry to hear this!! Do you have a vibrating bouncer seat? If not, please get one immediately, its the only thing that worked for my babies! I’m not saying he should be in it 24/7, but an hour wouldnt hurt for sure. Any vibrating devices you have in that house, but them under the crib matress and see if this helps. Also maybe just another person for a couple of hours a day, not a nanny but something like a part time one you know what I mean?

  13. I have two words for you “night nurse” – it is worth a 2nd mortgage on the house or whatever-but getting a block of sleep makes the days so much easier. I am sending you lots of hugs and wish I was closer by to help out.

  14. Hugs coming out to you, Jane. I know I said it before but my daughter had reflux to the point where she was on medicine that I had to give her 20 minutes before feeding (so I had to listen to her scream for those 20 minutes – heartbreaking) and then the sitting up an hour after feeding. The first year was a blur and when I got to the point of crying myself, I called my mom to come hold her and walk with her so I could squeeze a nap in. I ended up calling her EVERY morning around 7:30 for probably 2 weeks. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I noticed a turning point when the doctor had me put a small amount of rice cereal (maybe a teaspoon? I don’t recall the exact amount) in her formula. Just that little bit helped keep the formula down and she was much happier. Sending good thoughts to you and the boys. It WILL get better. Lean on your friends for now and make sure you take care of yourself.

  15. Jane-I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are right now. I remember those days! My two older ones struggled with colic and it was a nightmare. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Luckily, my third baby didn’t have those issues. It will get better and you can make it through this. You guys got through all the other stuff…this, too, will pass! Hang in there!

  16. Jane,

    I know what you are going through. My oldest (Ashley, turning 10 in June) was colic. All she did was cry! All I did was cry and one day my sister called me to see how we were and she asked…Cin, what is that banging?…I said, that’s my head…I am banging it on the wall in the hallway because I had to walk away and I don’t know what else to do but cry and bang my head…She was at my house in about 10 minutes with her own baby in tow.

    I can just say that this miserable time does pass and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Is there anything I can do from NJ? If you were here, I would gladly give you your breaks…Call friends and anyone who can come. Any break is good!!

    Love you and hope you find some peace soon!!

  17. Jane,

    I have four kids…3 boys, and all three boys had acid reflux. I PROMISE you it ends! (Have you asked the dr. about Mylanta for the baby?) My first two…twins…were in the NICU for 2 months, so the nurses mostly dealt with it. My 3rd, a girl…stomach of steel. Then when 4 came along…I was really thrown with the reflux. I was a mess for months…honestly. And I felt guilty, because I was sooo happy with my girl (who had the benefit it of being a singleton, healthy and in my home…I ate her up). I wanted to be the blissful mom for # 4 too…but he kept beating me up! But we had a great doctor…who totally explained everything to me and begged me to relax. (And get help:)). And one day…it just STOPPED! He a massive eater now:). And the easiest of the lot…my little sunshine boy. Just get some sleep…whatever you do. It will end! I promise.


  18. Jane don’t be to proud to ask for help. Sometime changing the babies formula will help with the acid reflux. You could also try giving him a dose of baby tylenol for the pain put him in a stroler and take him for a walk outside, put a hat on his head though. Babies love the outdoors even when they are young. I always put hats on there head when they are real young, because my mother always did I guess. I don’t know if this will help, but sometimes you get to the point you will try anything. I kept my niece’s baby one time and I didn’t have a stroler but I just took her outside and walked her and it done wonders for her.

  19. Dear Jane,

    I know what you’re going through and how hard it is when you’re trying everything your friends and doctors are suggesting and still nothing works. And feeling all alone when Ty is back in Hawaii makes it even harder. I am only a fan and not a personal friend of yours, but I live in Mill Creek, which is only about 20-30 minutes from you. I am a stay-at-home mom and would love to be able to help you however I can. I can hold him while he cries so you can get a nice long nap with earplugs in. Whatever you need. Please let me know.

    Christy Williams

  20. Dear Jane,

    So sorry to hear that life’s rough on you and your older two boys. I’ve been there with a crying baby and can easily remember how it is. We did Zantac for months.

    One suggestion: Are you purely breastfeeding Mac, or doing some formula, too? If no formula yet, you might wish to give that a try. There are different types and it might help regulate the acid production a little better.

    You have my e-mail address. Drop me a note, and I’ll be there to hold him and give you a break.


  21. Jane, your post brought me to tears. You are so honest and real. That is why we love you SO. I am so sad to hear that Baby Mac is in pain and unable to be comforted. And of course, you miss Surfer Ty; he’s probably miserable being away from his great loves.

    I’m so glad you’re reaching out to friends. Don’t stop doing that. Let them do anything and everything; hold Mac, make dinner for you and the big boys. They want to help and probably feel helpless as well. I hope there is some end in sight; you didn’t mentioned what the doctors say. I have no experience with this, I wish I had something helpful to offer.

    I can only offer to pray for you all and reassure you that this will get better.

    Many hugs and a warm shoulder,
    Shannon in Tustin

  22. Bless your heart! Remember you are strong! Being honest is really the best thing to do! Call those close friends or neighbors that live close by.
    I have to say a night nurse is not a bad idea or someone to come in and help part time.
    I’m sure any amount of sleep would be great right now. Also try to call the doctor and found out if there is a specialist in town that can see baby Mac. Sometimes the first opinion is not always right or it can be time to see someone that knows more about the symptoms.

    Some thing to think about that this moment is temporary and it will pass. And then you will wonder how you ever did get through it. You will some day tell that sweet boy, how much trouble he gave you. Hopefully you will be able to smile about it.

    I really think you are wonderful sharing this with us.
    I truly think that your honesty may help someone that may be going through a similar experience. Motherhood is not easy, especially with those huge bumps in the road. Motherhood is one of the hardest Jobs! It’s okay to cry! Remember it will get better with time!
    I always try to find the positive in situations. He is a healthy, beautiful, and sweet baby boy. He is going through a rough patch. He will start to feel better soon. And so will Mom!

    When Ty comes back, you and the older boys try to spend a couple hours together without sweet baby Mac.

    Wishing you many restful days ahead! And time to RELAX!

    You’re in our thoughts!

  23. I’m so sorry to hear you are having a rough beginning. I wish I could help. I pray little Mac gets better soon and you feel rested and happy again soon too! It doesn’t help that at this time the hormones are adjusting too. Hang in there. You’ll have happy times soon. I agree that it’s really healthy to cry, cry, cry… vent, vent, vent… don’t hold it in! And ask for help! That’s what friends are for!!!! Luv, Eileen

  24. I admire your honesty Jane. Soon this rough period will be a distant memory for you replaced by wonderful memories – hang in there.

  25. Oh Jane, Im so sorry that you had to go through all yourself. I had an similar experience with my son. It was tough. My son had bad gas all day and crying nonstop. We couldnt figure what wrong with him. We tried change diaper, feeding him and anything but nothing works. I know he has bad gas. Then finally we took him to ER and the dr tell us We need a bagged bottled (since Im not breastfeed him during this time) and Finally we stopped babies r us to buy avent bottles with bag in bottle. Went home and wash it then give him that bottle. Surprised it works better. I now understand why the difference between bottle or bagged bottle. I dont know if you are breast feeding. Sometimes warm bath should help with bad gas. Or sit him on top of dryer so it feel movement. It just an suggestions.

    Thing will get better I promise. Hang in there.

  26. I woke in the night and prayed for you and baby Mac. I hope things will soon be better for you all. I wish I was your friend as I do live in Bellevue and my baby is now 17 and graduating from high school. Recently when people have asked me what I will do now…depending on who asks…the annoying ones I just say… “watch a lot of cable T.V.” but my real friends I say, “I really want a job as a “baby holder”. I remember when my girls were unconsolable I would just remind myself that it was not my fault. I made myself shower and I just put the crying baby on the floor in the bathroom so that I could still hear the screams (now muted) but could see that they were okay. Sometimes the shower noise put them to sleep and even if it didn’t I felt better. I nursed all four for a long time. If I ate dairy products or chocolate they were miserable. If Ty were there he could take him for a drive but you are too tired, you need your rest so I wouldn’t suggest it. Go back and read your post a few weeks ago called “little update” you called him DELICIOUS, he still is, he just needs time to get adjusted to his new way of getting nutrition. Have have one of your friends pick you up a BBQ chicken salad from CPK. Let them hold your crying baby, and eat,take a nap and remind yourself…”he is delicious.” Hugs. Tomorrow I will tell you why fussy babies end up being smarter and better adjusted than those gerber perfect ones that “other people” have. Hope today is good. One day at a time. Prayers heading your way. Marjie

  27. Thank you Jane for the raw honesty about what you are going through. You are a trailblazer–it wasn’t so long ago that a mother would NEVER reveal that motherhood was anything but idylic and heavenly. With your voice and others hopefully people will have a more realistic view of parenthood–the toughest job in the world. God Bless you and your Ohana. Ginger

  28. My granddaughter has had different things happen in her two years of life: a growth removed from her head, she has to be lotioned constantly because her skin is so sensitive, and she used to have a time every night where she would just cry and cry and cry. My daughter was at her wit’s end but family stepped in as much as possible. I like to think that is what makes my little Natalie so close to her gamma..I held her while they removed the growth..they made her mom stay in the hall…

    It is so sad that babies must suffer pain. It WILL get better. And I am sorry Ty had to leave. I agree with what others said. If you can’t get someone to help you for a bit every day, pay someone. Seriously. You need your strength, your rest, your peace. Take care of yourself.

  29. Jane,
    my heart goes out to you and little Mac. All I can think of is Mylanta and a Pediatric GI. It may just be something simple to turn this off. Take your friends up on help, so you can get good rest and some time with your boys.
    This blog is wonderful that we can all just “write” when we are feeling “alone”, “frustrate” or want to share good news.
    I will be thinking good thoughts for you and little Mac.

  30. Hi Jane

    I am so sorry to hear what little Mac is going through and in turn what everyone in the family is going through. I hope he will grow out of it soon. Bless you though for being honest about motherhood, especially motherhood after you’ve already been through the baby years before. It is not always easy and sharing your life with us in a public forum will help so many moms who are going through the same thing. My daughter had colic as a baby and I thought we would never get through it. I felt very helpless. He will get better and so will you. Sending loving and peaceful thoughts your way and keeping you in my prayers.

  31. wow Jane, I’m so sorry for Mac and everyone involved. I have acid reflux as an adult and it is no fun let me tell you so I can’t imagine a wee one having it and not understanding.

    I’ve been around colic babies who cry and cry and have an idea of what you are going through.

  32. HI;
    Though we’ve never met, I feel like I should drive up from Olympia and help you out. I feel for all of you. You, the boys, baby Mac and I’m sure Surfer Ty is feeling it for not being with you right now. Like others, I wish there were magical words that would make it all better. Just know we’re all pulling for you. Hope you get some sleep soon.

  33. I agree with Kiersten, you are never alone and God will not put you through anything he knows you cannot handle.
    Hopefully things look up soon, I feel so bad for all of you! Maybe the two older boys can help? I wish I was a mother so I could offer some advice, but I’m not. Yet! Hopefully someday! 😉
    I’m thinking of you and will keep you (and Mac) in my thoughts and prayers. Take care!

  34. Hi Jane. I am so sorry to hear that Mac is sick and that you are having such a hard time. I will say a prayer for Mac and you.

  35. Jane, your heartfelt post took me right back to 14 years ago when I had my first son. Both had horrendous reflux, screaming, projectile vomiting … the works. The depression that followed for me was like a black pit with no ladder out.

    BUT … here’s what worked for my second son (now 12) when he started going down the same path … cranial osteopathy. It was a godsend. It’s gentle. It’s non invasive. It’s immediate relief. Yes, we had to go every week from 2 weeks to about 4 months (when he started solid food, the reflux diminished dramatically).

    I can’t recommend it enough for these unsettled babies.

    Shay in New Zealand

  36. Jane,
    Thank you for your honesty. My heart aches for you. I am sending you all my good juju/mojo to make your days and nights better. You deserve it. I am so sorry you are going through this especially with Ty so far from you.

    I wish I had a magic remedy for you or a suggestion. All I have is my good thoughts…I am praying for you, the boys and Mac!


  37. Oh Jane, you are breaking my heart. Get some help so you can get some sleep. My oldest daughter had the colic for one night when I was 23, 22 years ago. She was breastfed and I found out the some gassy food I ate passed through my milk to her to make her sick.
    Onions were the culprit. After I found this out I changed my diet and i got a happy baby with no tummy problems in return. She was the angry crying, turn so red baby. I was scared then. I am scared for you. You need to get some reliable help so you can get some rest. It will get better, but find some help. If I lived closer I would take a shift but I live on the other side of the country.

  38. Oh, Jane, I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Too bad all of us here can’t take a turn with the baby for a while. Since we can’t be there in person, please know that we are with you in spirit. Many of us are mothers who know what you are going through. Things will get better, honey! Hugs 🙂

  39. Oh Jane, my heart goes out to you!! I too had an AR baby, my Dylan. Those days are long gone but if it helps at all, yes that little valve inside his tummy will mature and one day it will dawn on you, “This kid hasn’t thrown up”. I know you have tried everything but my advice and what we did, I used “Goats Milk”. Went to the farms of Chino, CA and spent a small fortune (and that was compared to formula) and it worked. I tried it all, lactose free, soy, special for AR, etc and when it was all said and done “Goat” worked wonders. He would cry, my husband would go to work and I would think, “a whole day of this again”. Some days I would drive so he would sleep, or just walk for miles and miles. These are times you will remember and write them in Mac’s baby book, they will bring a smile to your face later in life. Take Care, your not alone!!

  40. Jane, I am so hoping that one of the remedies mentioned in previous posts helps. Sometimes it is the odd, out-there things that do the trick. It is so hard when little ones are sick and nothing we do helps. My thoughts are with you and your boys.

  41. Jane, I went through the same thing with my son, including the projectile vomiting. No one dared stand behind me when I was keeping him upright over my shoulder. The good news is, it stopped when he was starting his 2nd month. Now he’s 19 & sometimes a bigger pain than he was then! HA! Just kidding, I love him with all my heart, just like you do Mac. I know it’s very trying & I cried a lot too. Take your friends and ANYONE who visits up on letting them care for him awhile so you can go take a long bath, a walk, a NAP, whatever you need to get a break. Sometimes I would just go drive around in my car, savoring the silence. But it will get better, I promise. In the meantime, know that all of us are here for you.

  42. You poor, poor lamb. I feel for you. My first baby was so easy, so I thought, “whats so hard about this, I’ll have another”. Second one, total nightmare! Screaming, projectile vomiting, crying all the time. Get a nanny Jane! Youve worked hard, now enjoy the benefits of that success. You have to save your sanity and get some help! You have to look after yourself, so you can look after everyone else.

  43. P.S. I do remember that adding a little rice formula to my daughter’s bottle did help with the projectile vomiting. She seems to be able to keep more of the milk down.

  44. My heart aches for you. I hope you will keep asking your friends for help, and do make sure you can get out of the house too…even if it is just to vent.

    A friend of mine had a very colicky baby, and they discovered putting him in his carseat on top of the clothes dryer soothed him to sleep — the combination of noise and vibration.

    My son had projectile vomitting every time he fed for a year, and I was astonished he got any nourishment at all, but he did keep gaining. And it did pass. Now, if we could just get hime to sleep through the night (nightmares most nights at 4 years old, and wakes up screaming at least once a night — if anyone has any ideas?)

    Thank you for sharing such an honest post — it will hopefully be comforting for yourself and others who have been through it or are going through it.

  45. Jane, hang in there. Each child seems to present with their own uniqueness and path. I know this is a hard period, and doing it on your own doesn’t help. But, remember, you are not alone! Everyone here is here for you, and I know you have a great circle of friends willing to help. Wouldn’t it be great if they came with instructions. A what to do when…. Each child is so different and wonderful in their own right. Hang in their my love…where are the PEEPS when you need them???

  46. Oh, Jane. I know this is so hard and I sympathize. It seems endless now, but it will pass. But even knowing that won’t make you feel better right now, so all I can do is offer you virtual hugs and send prayers that Mac will feel better very soon.

  47. I found my babies were exhausting at this age and it was so hard. People don’t like to hear the reality of how hard it is. Putting him down and giving yourself a break is a good thing to do. Poor loves.
    Hugs to you all.

  48. Jane,

    My dughter had acid reflux really bad! I remember those cries. The pain in her scream, the throwing up, and most of all the helplessness I felt.

    I am now a postpartum doula and it’s my job to help moms like me and like you. We have a few tricks, and hiring a doula might help you. But one of the first things I have my clients do is have the baby get a chiropractic adjustment. Typically babies with acid reflux have their C2 out of alignment and I’ve seen an adjustment fix it completely. It might be worth a try.

    And of course, if you need me to answer any other questions or to offer more tips to try, please feel free to contact me.

    Take care of yourself. And get away as often as possible. Let your friends hold him, take him outside for a walk, while you shower, sleep or just let the tears come.

    Hugs to you!

  49. Jane,
    My first child cried a lot but not constantly. Even though it was twenty years ago I can remember it well and I hope this passes quickly for you. Taking a break is the best thing for you. You are definitely not alone. I remember one friend drove their baby around when the crying became unbearable because he often calmed down.

  50. Dear Jane,

    For some reason, my first heartfelt comment didn’t register here. However, I just want to say that my heart goes out to you in a big way and that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t beat yourself up and do call on your friends to help out as much as they can. If I lived close, I would volunteer in a heartbeat because I know you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. My love and prayers go out to you and I pray that Baby Mac’s acid reflux will soon subside. Looking at everyone’s comments, I think you’ve been given some good advice and everything little idea is worth a try, right? Take care of yourself and know you’re not alone.

    Love & hugs,
    Christine xox

  51. Oh, Jane, thank you again for your honesty. So touching and so important for people to hear. Because I know there are other mothers having similar feelings.

    And what you’re feeling is so understanding. Your emotions are already all over the place after a baby. Add in having surfer Ty gone for a bit and a baby with reflux, and then your every day life stuff…it’s a LOT. Take that break. Call/email more friends, you know so many of us are ready to jump in and help!

    Take care of yourself!! (Big hugs)

  52. God, did I have a crier, too. I had so much experience with other people’s babies, and yet couldn’t seem to get a grip on mine. He was impossible to take anywhere and shattered my dreams of being the mom who went to museum’s, restaurants, parks, etc. with an adorable baby. He was a little monster, LOL, But you know that they do grow out of this and it’s not a representation of who either of you are. You’ll get through and so will he. But it feels terrible when the reality is not the fantasy that got you through all of those long hard months of pregnancy. Take it for what it is, and keep finding those little pockets of time for yourself. This is temporary.

  53. Keep repeating “this will pass” over and over, because it will. My daughter screamed nonstop as an infant. she’d only sleep for twenty minutes at a time. I just about went crazy from sleep deprivation. We went beyond Soy formula and used the pre-digested stuff (nutramigen?). It helped some so it may be worth a try.

    Please, do both of you a favor. Get a neighbor or a friend to take the baby, even if it’s just for a short time. You’d be surprised how much a thirty minute respite every day will do for your sanity.

    Hope it passes soon.

  54. Oh Jane!!!!!! I had the exact problem with my first son Jake, 15 years ago.
    I waited 30 years for this bundle, who ended up being just a nightmare! I don’t know if I was destined for post-partum, or wether it came as a result of NO sleep ever, and my son’s never ending crying.

    Don’t feel the least bit guilty. You are human ,and it is fine to feel every emotion that you are. I was basically alone with the cryer, all the time ,as my husband was a doctor and worked all the time.I remember sitting in an old wicker,antique rocking chair,with high arms and a nail-head poking me while I nursed Jake. I just sat in a darkened house with my child attached to the breast constantly. Hoping for just 5 minutes of sleep. It gets better,Mac will get better, and your hormones will get better as well.
    Please encourage your buddies to come and relieve you as much as they can! It is necessary for you to get a break,and some help.
    Also, it is okay to put Mac in the crib, and cry. You have to give yourself a break!.

    I haveBeen there , and feel for you. You are in our thought and prayers!!!

    Susan and Lizzie

  55. Hi Jane,

    The only thing I can do for you is pray. I pray that baby Mac pain goes away or it is eased and I pray for you peace and comfort.

  56. Jane:

    I remember those days well. My fifteen year old was the same way. I had her after a long battle with infertility and then throwing up for nine months straight. She was my first child, and she was colicky. It went on for twelve long weeks. I never slept. I was depressed. I cried a lot. One day I even begged my husband to stay home from work because I was scared to be alone with her. I didn’t know I would cope.

    But I did. Those twelve weeks inched by — and I mean, inched — and then one day she stopped crying, and she started smiling all the time, and she slept all night. This will happen for Mac, too. Hang in there, from one mom to another.

  57. Jane,

    My 14 year old was a fussy baby. I bought a battery operated swing for him. Sometimes I felt guilty about how much time he spent in there, but today he is a very happy kid. So sorry, hope things get better.

  58. The big one had A/R. Had to sleep in the swing which panicked me and my first time mommy self. It sounds like you’re doing all there is to do for him, which is hard because it’s not really enough since he’s not better.

    I can’t imagine trying to do it alone. There were days when Hubba Bubba would get home from work only to have the screaming bub thrust in his arms so I could run away…literally. Had my running shoes on and took my half hour loop right then.

  59. Hi Jane,

    I have been away from your blog for a couple of weeks, because life has spun out of control for me… I am sorry to hear that yours has too in a much different way. My youngest son, had a problem when he was the same age as Mac. Nobody could or would diagnose him. They simply didn’t know what it was. Though he didn’t cry all of the time he threw up uncontrollably. And when I say threw up… I mean he threw up. Projectile. He was tested for everything and still they came up with nothing. the poor child would go through spells of vomiting for weeks at a time. He threw up until he tore the lining of his stomach and then he would throw up up blood. Not a lot, but even the tiniest bit of blood in your new borns vomit is enough to send a mother to the loony bin! My poor son and I went through this for the next four years. He spent more than half of his life throwing up at that point. I can’t tell you how many things we tried and took away from him and nothing ever came up. The only thing that helped and I repeat… the only thing!!!! Was going to a homeopathic doctor. It was a last resort, and in the end it is what saved my sons life! My son is 9 now and is still on a remedy from time to time and I wouldn’t have it any other way! So if you get this post and you are interested in the doctors number… I know you are far away, but I’m sure that he could help you. or even direct you to a doctor in your area… Just get a hold of me through e-mail. He is amazing! I only wish I would’ve had him sooner.

    I wish you the best of luck. hang in there. This will pass. Trust me. I thought for sure my days of sitting in the ER covered in throw up would never end. It was a long four years of smelling bad and sleepless nights and feeling horrible about my child’s quality of life. You go through every emotion even a little stir crazy. You get angry and sad, your happy that something worse isn’t wrong with them… it will get better. I promise!

  60. Hi Jane,
    Sorry to hear that things are not going as you pictured with Mac. Reflux is hard. My 4 month old has been suffering through it too – we have even seen the GI specialist. If the Zantac is not working keep asking about other medications. Alexa is on Prevacid now (and still the zantac sometimes)and it has made a world of difference for her. She went from projectile vomiting 3-4 times a day and not sleeping more that an hour or so at a time to maybe 1-2 vomiting episodes a week and can sleep for 3-4 or sometimes 5 hour stretches. Not perfect but much better.
    Take some advice from a pediatric nurse – keep persisting with your doctor if Mac is not doing better. If he (or she) does not have any more treatment options than ask to see someone else (lots of great docs at Seattle Childrens). Sometimes it takes a “pushy” parent to get what your child needs. There is no reason Mac should be that uncomfortable and you stressed out from seeing him be so uncomfortable. I think that anyone who tells you their newborn sleeps through the night and never cries is lying! Hang in there and be sure to take advantage of any help that friends and family offer. You need to take care of yourself too.

  61. By the way – I agree with the post above about post-partum doula’s – I had my son while my husband was stationed at Ft Lewis and hired a doula for support being so far away from friends and family. My doula helped so much. She came over for a few hours twice a week and just held Jack and did some of his laundry for me while I slept. She also reminded me how normal everything was (nursing difficulties, colic, being so tired). I could not have managed without her!

  62. Aww Jane! My heart goes out to you! And Baby Mac for how miserable he is. You have some great advice. It will get better.
    I wish that I could come and give you a huge hug and take care of the baby so you can rest and spend time with the big boys.
    Before you know it he will be a happy baby.

    You are the Queen of keeping it real and we all love you for it!
    Take care and remember — you are not alone. It’s hard toask for help but take it! You help so many people — let people help you.


  63. I am glad you shared this. We, as mothers, have a duty to be honest instead of pretending its all bliss and gerber ads. Only then can we truly support each other.

    I mentioned in a different post, I went through this exact thing with my first baby. It sucks. Its the hardest thing I ever did. And in fact, my husband had to go on two week-long business trips the first month of her life. I think I cried pretty much the entire time. Frankly, I’d think you were subhuman if it DIDN’T affect you.

    Sending you lots of love from Hawaii,

  64. I’m sorry Jane! You aren’t an 18 year old first time mom, so you know this too will pass. I know it’s so hard when you’re doing all you possibly can and it doesn’t seem to be helping. You’re doing everything right, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before he’s feeling better and you’ll have the happy Gerber baby you know he really is. Heck, we all get crabby when we aren’t feeling well, poor little fella!

  65. Jane, I feel horrible for you. I have been there. I cried every day for months and months and felt so helpless. Our little one had a horrible case of acid reflux also. She wouldn’t take the prescription medicine because the taste was so bad. Every and I mean every time we’d lay her down she’d wake up 5 min. later choking on her spit up. We tried elevating her head in bed, Gripe Water, and everything else. Nothing seemed to work. So for about 7 months my husband and I would slepp with her downstairs in our rocking chair, holding her upright on our chest all night long. It was miserable, but she would sleep. We were both exhausted, and I as a stay home mom, almost went insane. I am so sorry baby Mac is having this issue. I hope it doesn’t last long, poor little guy…and poor mommy! I’ll keep you in my prayers!

  66. I’ve been where you are. All four of my kids had acid reflux in varying levels. My oldest son had it the worst, and life with him was very much the way you’re describing.

    I’m so sorry. It does get better, but that’s little comfort when your tiny little man is in such agony. I hope you all find some relief soon.

  67. My son suffers from acid reflux – he is now on Zantac AND Prevacid. He was initially only prescribed Zantac but that did not help much. The Prevacid was wonderful and helped dramatically – both work differently to reduce the acid in the stomach and help reduce the pain from the acid. I would definitely try Prevacid, Zantac and have a sleeping wedge made for your baby (our doctor referred us to someone in Issaquah who makes them). Good Luck.

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