In an attempt to deal with me, and my own head, I’ve signed up with a small, private gym that only offers personal training. It’s very expensive and no one has ever hurt me this much in 55 minutes before. I’ve been going three times a week–which means I very nearly sold my younger son to pay for the twenty session package–and although I’ve dropped a couple pounds I don’t know if I’m any more mentally sound.
I don’t know if I will ever be more mentally sound.
I hope to God this is just hormones, some crazy rollercoaster that’s mercilessly jerking me up, down, all around, but what if it’s not? What if this is really just me?
The personal training is kicking my butt though. It’s intense and demanding and by the time I stagger out I’m no longer emotional. Just flat out exhausted. I tell myself that’s good. I tell myself anything that isn’t a) sad b) anxious c) stressed is good. But honestly, I’m not even sure what good means. Is ‘good’ peaceful, calm, or simply uneventful? Is good great?
I know there are things I wish I could change. I wish my boyfriend wasn’t so far away. I wish my kids’ dad was healthy. I wish I had a secret admirer who died (cruel, but there it is) and left me a million dollars.
I wish. I wish. And the more I wish the more intense the desire for serenity.
When I’m not writing, I’m reading and the reading includes new self-help books. I swear, I can support the local B&N alone with my taste for self-improvement books. I look at my shelf with the newest self-help titles and they include:
1) Never Good Enough: How To Use Perfectionism To Your Advantage Without Letting It Ruin Your Life
2) Goodbye Good Girl: Letting Go of The Rules & Taking Back Your Self
3) The Girls’ Guide to Power and Success
4) The Feminine Mistake
5) The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
6) Eccentrics: A Study of Sanity and Strangeness
7) When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
8) The Secret Psychology of How We Fall In Love
9) Beauty Junkies: Inside Our $15 Billion Obsession With Cosemtic Surgery
10) Women Who Run With Wolves
Okay, a nice little line up of non-fiction reading and something to cover every emotional issue: perfectionism, narcissism, abandonment issues, attachment issues. Wow. Just thinking about it all makes me want to do what I did yesterday, crawl into bed and take a nap in the middle of the day.
Did the nap help? No. But it did give me a rest before I had to go to the gym. And if you think I’m hard on myself, you should meet my trainer.