Two days after arriving in Hawaii, three days after learning the in-vitro didn’t work, I got whacked by something pretty brutal. That something had the power to reach into my chest and rip my heart right out. For days I felt like a vampire from a Feehan or Ward novel.
For ten days I struggled. I hurt. I woke up in the middle of the night and stared at the ceiling. I tried to sleep but woke up before dawn and couldn’t sleep again. I dragged myself through the day, trying to function, forcing myself to write even as my heart swung this way, slammed by shock, and then pounded that way by fear, until all I was doing was swinging wildly in the wind. Thank God I managed to keep writing. Thank God this week I wrote a couple of chapters even though I couldn’t eat or sleep. The writing took my mind off things, including the crazy whatever-was-happening-in-my-heart.
In the event you don’t know, I’m a chick with some serious faith, not the faith of ‘oh dear God, let me find a parking spot’, but the kind of faith that believes we can move mountains, that miracles are always possible, that all things come together for good. I believe love conquers fear, hands down.
And so this week I prayed. I prayed as my teeth chattered. I prayed as I drove. I prayed as I set up my little office at Tully’s with my alphasmart and my music and my folders of research. I prayed that love wins. I believe that love wins. I believe that fear can kill love if you let it. But love, freed, love, empowered, trumps all. I prayed for change. I prayed for calm. I prayed to let everything go–all fear, all doubt, all sadness, all pain–so that I could hold on to the one thing that truly mattered. Love.
Yes, I talk to God, and sometimes I stop talking long enough that God might be able to get a word in edgewise. Today He got a word in edgewise. Today, finally, the peace came. The heart stopped its crazy hot-heart-on-fire-dance. My stomach calmed. I might even be able to eat something more than little bits of crackers.
I don’t know why things happen the way they do. But they do. And we can be okay if we just believe.
Love, love, love.
All we need is love.
Jane, I’m so glad you’ve found peace. You deserve peace and love and happiness. If life and love came easy, we probably wouldn’t appreciate it or cherish it as much as we do when we have to fight for all that things that make it important. Hang on to that faith!
I really appreciate your thoughts on prayers and our wonderful God.
And, hey, one day, when I had three grandsons with me and it was pouring rain, and we were trying to a parking spot at the very popular video place for some flicks and a xbox 360 game…I PRAYED for a parking spot. A CLOSE pareking spot….and I when a mini-van pulled out…right in front of the store I sure did say a big thank you LOL….
I just finished Odd Mom Out while in Jamaica and it was LOVELY. Thanks for great characters and a wonderufl story.
Keep the faith!
I’m a person with strong faith. But lean more into the teachings of the Secret. I believe if you put positive out into the universe, it will all come around right back at you. Keep the faith, think positive. Put your hopes and dreams out into the universe, and give it a little time, and it will come back and calm your aching heart. Everything is going to be just fine.
I’m glad you’ve found a peace in the midst of the storm, Jane. All things work for good for those who put their trust in Him, even though sometimes it sure doesn’t seem like it.
x Kate
I’m so happy things have settled down for you nad you’ve found peace. I do believe that all things happen for a reason. Sometimes it takes much longer to see this after the fact, but I still manage to believe it.
From one of my favorite songs, “…Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
and the greatest is love.”
Jane, you are such a genuine person. Tell the truth, speak your mind, and no holds barred. Your work is refreshing and honest and so necessary for the sisterhood. So, I am sorry to hear about your tough times, and really expect you to bounce back as usual, so just want to say, that faith is the only real motivator. You have to believe, or what is the alternative? Give up? Never…
I hear you Jane, you have been an inspiration to many of us at the time we needed it most, just want you to know I am here, albiet in cyberland, thinking of you, wishing you the best life has to offer because you deserve it. You cannot give without receiving and God knows, you give – and we love what you give. I’m glad writing helps you because it sure helps me, reading yours and writing mine.
Love
Gogozobo
Jane,
You will be okay. You will survive. You will feel strong again. I believe it’s true. Just hang on.
You GIVE so much to others, I too belieive it comes back. You help so many, probably people you don’t even realize.
Hold on to the faith. Maybe the white water is calming for you now. I hope so.
Love you lots Jane! Hope you have a GREAT day today. Take care of yourself. You must!
Order your fav take-out today. Put in your favorite movie. Do something you love. Nurture yourself.
And remember, you have your extended family here–all of us rooting for you!
Sunny days and hugs coming your way!
MARIAN
I hope you are feeling better.
Jane,
I think that ONE of the most charming traits you have is how you are not afraid of showing and telling your feelings. Thank you for sharing and letting us know that we are not alone either:) I am so glad you have found peace and keep it as long as you can!!! Hope you enjoyed your weekend!
In times of trouble, I focus on my gifts in life. My daughter and my talents (which are minimal).After living in NYC during one of the harder times in my life and having to literally walk over homeless and hungry people, I never felt sorry for myself again.
In fact, it was hard for me to go into my apartment knowing I was leaving those souls outside. Cold, hungry, and alone.
Everything that happens to us in life contributes to our growth.
Uberchik
uberblog-liz-liz.blogspot.com
Sending you my prayers, as well, Jane! For however you need them, they are there. 🙂