And They Just Keep Growing

My baby boy is about to turn eleven months, and then next month he’s a year old.

One year old.  Unbelievable. 

I’m still exhausted…feeling like I’m a mother to a newborn and he’s trying to walk and wants to start feeding himself and is saying his first words–which, by the way aren’t mama or dada, but Ab and doch, his baby speak for Abi our English bulldog and doch is, well, dog.   Mac loves dogs.  And his brothers.  And his dad and his babysitters and his mom.  And being outside. 

 He doesn’t like getting dressed, or having his diaper changed, or being made to lie down so his diaper can be changed.  He also doesn’t like being bored or being left alone in his room or being ignored.  In short, he’s a lot of work.  But fun.  Funny. Mac

I love baby lips and baby eyes and baby expressions.  I love how they drool and stagger about and swing their bottle when they’re drinking.  I love the freedom to throw your food on the floor and scream when you don’t get your way.  And most of all I love how everyone comes running when the baby cries.

Oh, if only everyone came running everytime I cried.

If only I could scream and people would find it charming.

Amazing this life.  Amazing how quickly things change.  I’ve really missed my grandmother Lyles.  She died two years ago this month and I think of her daily.  Sometimes I think of her hourly.  Her books and furniture fill my home.  I pass through my new library and I see her.  I turn on the TV and hear about Purdue’s basketball team and know she’s cheering on her beloved Boilermakers in heaven.  Even gone, my grandmother is so very very dear to me.  And I miss her and still love her.

Life is beautiful and heartbreaking and exciting and challenging and it will always be a juggle and a wonder and maybe a struggle.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’m alive.  I’m doing.  Being.  Feeling.

Is there someone in your life who isn’t here anymore that you think of often?  Someone you love and miss?  I’ve got a special prize for one of you.  I’ll be picking one comment at random Friday morning, but please, don’t feel as though you have to post an answer if the question is too personal.  I don’t find it easy talking about my grandmother or my dad, but then sometimes its just good to say how much they meant to me, and how much they still do.


  1. What a beautiful post Jane. My Uncle Frank passed away two days before my daughter Cera was born. It was a huge tragedy because he was so amazing and it was really tough to celebrate the birth of my daughter and grieve the man who had made such a difference in my life. He’d been my rock when I was going through some really traumatic childhood events and I wanted him to be there to celebrate my new baby but he was gone. It was devistating. But I cling to the good times I had with him, hold onto those beautiful memories and I think of him many times each day even though he’s been gone for nearly 15 years.

  2. Oh Dear Jane,

    I so hear you about your grandmother. My Nana was my entire world.I spoke to her daily,sometimes twice a day. They had a beautiful farm in Central Pa. and going to their homestead was just home. I loved her with every breath I have. She has been gone now (May 2002)for just about 8 years,but there is not a day I don’t think about her.She is still with us and I feel her presence quite often. I find pennies and feathers on a regular basis.Usually the penny will have a significant years on it.We can’t see our loved ones,but they are with us and watch over us all the time. You will have to watch when Mac starts to speak,as chances are he will tell you something significant about a loved one.
    When my daughter was 2/3 she would tell me stories about my Dad that I have never heard.When confirming with my Dad ,he was shocked. We asked Lizzie where she heard these things and she said, “you know mommie,that lady up in my room.Eleanor,Grampie’s mommie.She is always up in my room with me!!!!”
    So as crazy as it sounds,it’s not crazy.It gives me great comfort knowing my dear grandparents are around,and still watching over my children.
    I have my Nana’s glasses on my vanity.Her purse in my closet,and her little tennis sneakers that I look at on a daily basis. So that being said, i totally get it!
    Wonderful grandparents are just that,losing them is still extremely painful, but remember all the love they had for us. It fills my heart with good happy feelings. I do still cry on occasion when thinking about my Nana. Two years is still really to close for comfort. It takes a lot of time to feel less sad about losing someone so,so precious.

  3. Hi Jane. What a beautiful, thoughtful post. I miss my maternal grandmother. She was a tiny, elegant lady who I loved spending time with. I often find myself remembering special moments we shared. Certain scents take me back to days spent with her in her kitchen.

  4. Good Morning Jane!
    I miss all of my grandparents but I miss my maternal Grandpa Hanshaw probably the most. He passed away the same day as Lucille Ball – May 1989- and it was exactly 4 weeks after my first child was born. It was a very sad time for me. I was living up in Bellevue, Wa, didn’t know many people yet, and had a newborn and my grandpa was dying from lung cancer. He knew that I had given birth to a baby girl but he couldn’t see her picture- he just held it in his hands and whispered Kimmy’s baby, over and over. I know this because my grandma told me later.
    To this day it still makes me well up with tears.
    My grandpa was the best grandpa ever and I love watching my own dad with my girls (even though they are almost 21 and 17 now) he is the best grandpa ever to them.
    I think about my grandpa and my grandma’s every day too. Sometimes several times a day. I wish they were still here to see how smart and beautiful and kind Kelsey and Taylor have grown up to be. They would be as proud of my daughters as they were of me.

  5. You know…I’ve been realizing something. Okay, I probably already knew it, but I’ve been doing this all wrong. My mom has been gone for 7 years this month. I have found it hard to have pictures and things from her sitting out. I have been avoiding thoughts of her all of these years. Now, I hear in your writing of this post all the comfort you get when you see your grandmothers things. It makes me see that it’s okay to have those good memories. It’s okay to miss her. I’m going to go gather a few pictures right now and hang them up. THANK YOU!

  6. I miss my biological father. He died in 1979 (when I was 20), and I found out in 1998 (after my mom and “dad” had died in 1995 and 1990, respectively) that he wasn’t just a good friend/neighbour. He taught me to drive and took me to work with him during summer holidays, amongst many other things, passing away when I was 19.

  7. Happy early birthday to your son! He’s so cute! Just wait till he starts talking. 🙂

    I always think of my maternal grandma, who died on Independence Day in 2004.

    Excerpt from one of my blog entries:
    I think of what she’d be like if she didn’t have Alzheimer’s (or a stroke) and lived a lot longer. I think she would have totally kvelled over my sons. She would have still made matzo ball soup and would have supported my newfound interest in knitting. She would still read books and sit kibbitzing with her lady friends at the pool. The last coherent thing I remember that she said to me was “good for you” when I told her about dating my (now) husband and how he was a nice Jewish boy. She was adorable and told all my friends to call her Mama Mollie. At her funeral, the Rabbi talked about how she was everyone’s Mama Mollie. She was a balabusta and loved taking care of us and our friends. My sister and I would beg her to stay overnight at our house and we’d have countless sleepover parties at her condo (which is now my sister’s condo). I got her to read V.C. Andrews books and we’d discuss them. When I was a kid, I’d play bingo with her and her lady friends. She taught me how to make matzo balls and now I’m a pro at making the matzo balls the way she used to. She also had strong Jewish roots and I am now trying to carry those on and raise my kids with those values. She loved going to shul with us. It was so important and meaningful to her. She was as much a part of our lives as our parents were. She practically raised us along with our mom. I could go on and on, but I think I summed up how special she was. I named my older son after her, as her Hebrew name was Esther.

  8. Hey Jane, Mac is a cutie. You are an amazing woman. It seems you find strength in everything. I too wish that I could scream, yell, throw my food, just so I could have someone come running. Oh well, one can only dream, right?

    I am not going to share because it just makes me very sad and depressed to think about people who are no longer here with me. So for self-preservation, and the chance to make it through the day, I bow out.

    I hope you have a wonderful day chasing Mac around.

    Peace and love,
    Paula R.

  9. Hi Jane

    I love everything about babies too. My youngest just turned 3 and DH says she’s the caboose which makes me sad. I’m treasuring all the baby moments and new developments as well.

    Beautiful post Jane.
    Take care.

  10. What a lovely post, Jane. I love reading about Mac; I have four great kids, but they’re almost all grown up now… my baby is 17. I think secretly I would have loved to have had another little one, a tail-end Charlie… my best friend had a little boy 5 years ago with her wonderful second partner (a great guy 11 years younger than she is) and you too with Mac. Enjoy him! It’s so precious!

    I miss my grandparents… they all died 15 years+ ago, but they were such special people and we often don’t treasure them they way we should, when we can.

  11. What a beautiful, heartfelt and special post Jane. I know your feelings and have them every single day. My mother died 11 years ago this April. She was an energetic, independent and generous woman whose untimely death left me bereft.I was heartbroken and took years to recover from this loss. I know that her death has left me a different person and changed me entirely. Your precous Mac is adorable and sweet. Enjoy everyday with this treasure.

  12. Jane,
    Mac is so cute. Look at all that hair!! This was a nice post. I too miss my grandma. She was the most fun, crazy lady you could ever meet. We were extremely close and I miss her every day.
    I also miss my best friend who passed away from cancer at 30. We grew up together and did everything together. Luckily her daughter and my daughter are best friends and her daughter recently had a daughter of her own. I only wish she were here to enjoy her.
    I also miss my father very much. I was always his little girl no matter how old I was. I think of him every day.
    Have a good week.

  13. Your little boy is adorable and how exciting that his first birthday is coming up. Your post was lovely and made me think of some friends and family who are gone but not forgotten.

  14. I just posted a blog along the same lines, because the last of my parents generation passed on days before a new great-niece arrived. The cycles of growth from birth to death is fascinating – and so connected.

    Sometimes I “see” my dad in the way my grandson sticks his tongue between his teeth when he’s concentrating. 🙂

  15. Jane!

    Mac is soooo cute! He sounds like a normal and adorable one year old boy! He reminds me of one of the little guys I watch who was just like that!

    I miss my mom every day! It’s been 10 years since she passed but she had been sick for two years before and on a ventalator so she wasn’t the same person. I miss her and wish she could be here to enjoy my kids. I begged her to stop smoking even before I got pregnant. My son who will be 13 tomorrow is so much like her. He even words his sentences the same way and he can’t have remembered her talking as he was 6 months old when she got sick. He has her sense of humor and looks like her. I know she is always with me and I talk to her. Like Susan I do think she used to visit my daughter because I would hear her talking at night and think oh its just Mommy and go back to sleep. Sometimes I will make one of her recipes or do something like make filling for pierogie without a recipe and it just all comes to me. Sometimes I know she’s telling me to cut an onion in smaller pieces and things like that. She taught me so much about how to do and be everything I ever want to be! I miss my dad too a lot but I was my Mommy’s girl.

    As Abraham Lincoln said, “Everything I am or hope to be I owe to my mother.” (I have this print signed by Mary Englebriet hanging above my kitchen desk.)

    ((((Hugs))) Jane!

  16. I miss my granparents for the unconditional love and comfort.

    Oh, and I wish the chunky thighs of babyhood were prized throughout ones lifetime. Not that mine are; just sayin’, baby thighs are amazing! 🙂

  17. Lovely post. I miss my mother and still pick up the phone to call her, although she’s been gone 11 years. It’s so sad that my greatgrands didn’t have a chance to know her.

  18. What a lovely post! Mac looks like he is turning into a little person now! I miss my parents, my mother passed away about a week before my son was born. So he never got to meet his grandmother! My father passed about nine years later form a lown mower accident! I missed them both, still after all these years. I think you never forget your loved one, they are always in your hearts!

  19. My father-in-law passed away last month and we are still raw from that loss. We lost my grandpa 5 years ago and I still miss him everyday. But my 89 year old grandma is still with us and I get to be with her 3-4 times a week taking her to her hair appts. or enjoying time in her home during her daily “happy hour.” She is precious and I love and value our time together as if it was gold.

    I DO count my blessings and having you, Jane, in my life is another blessing that I never take for granted! You inspire and make me smile almost everyday! Thanks for always sharing your heart and for being so open and honest. It allows the rest of us to do the same!

  20. Wow! Mac is getting so big, so fast! What a cutie pie! 🙂 I miss my Grandparents. I don’t have any left. My Grandma was the last one who passed away (2 years ago) and we were extremely close. I have always thought of her as my other mom. I grew up at her house. Spent basically everyday there while my mom worked. She was the most loving and giving woman I have ever met! She loved to bake and cook for her huge family. She also loved having huge get togethers. We have over 200 people in our family, so her house was packed at Christmas time. I miss that so much. I was with her right by her side when she passed away. I am glad I was, but it sure doesn’t make things any easier. I think about her every day! It’s never easy losing the ones that are so dear to your heart.

  21. It’s been nearly seven years since my amazing mother-in-law passed way. Most days, just thinking of her makes me teary. She was more of a mother to me than my own. Our much loved “Tykie” (her nickname from childhood) loved us all equally and taught us the true meaning of forgiveness, compassion, and service. Sigh. If I can only be half the woman she was!

  22. Whata wonderful post. Thank you so much for it.
    One of the people I think of the most is my Nonnie. She passed several years ago, but I can still hear her voice, still remember the touch of her skin and still feel the embrace of love that always seemed to radiate from her.
    She was a tiny little tower of strength who emmigrated with her husband and daughter from Paris sometime in the 50’s.
    The funny thing is that I wasn’t even blood related to her…she was my grandfather’s sister-in-law’s mother. But, Nonnie was there at the hospital the day I was born, and even though we have a humoungous family, she always made each one of us feel special. Made me feel special.
    I have a sweater that she knitted hanging in the closet. It’s old and stained and I’ll never part with it. Sometimes if I’m in there I’ll run my hand over it, close my eyes and remember what an extrodinary person she was.

  23. Jane,
    Thank you for sharing your life in all its messy glory. 🙂 Mac is such a cutie! I’m very lucky that no one I’m particularly close to has passed away, but this post hits home b/c I have been thinking about the “circle of life” for a less hokey way to say it.
    A good friend called me this morning to say her grandmother passed away. It was not unexpected, but my friend was still very upset. She had planned to fly home today to see her grandmother b/c they knew how little time there was left. Now instead, she’s flying home to attend the funeral and arrange family matters. She felt so sad and frustrated by it all and there was nothing I could really say to make it better. I tried to remember to just listen.
    It made me even more thankful that at 90, my grandmother is very healthy and that the whole family got together recently for her b-day (even the ones that don’t get along!) for the the first time in 28 years. I was glad that my grandmother got to see my son (14 months now) for the first time and the rest of the family all at once. It was one of those moments in time that you realize is very special even while it’s happening.
    All you can do is let the people you love know how you feel about them while they’re here. The rest is quite literally out of our hands.

  24. Oh how I miss my Mom every single day. I talk to her on a regular basis – because I know she is really right here listening. She had me at age 40 and I know it was the best thing that happened to her. Hahaha She was my confidante and best friend.
    I run the book club at my local library and most of the members are over age 70. One will be 93 this month!! They have all filled a small space in my heart and I love them dearly.
    On a side note – Mac is adorable and looks exactly like his Daddy!!!!!!
    Keep on writing Jane!!

  25. Great picture of Mac! He is adorable.

    I miss my grandfather. He died while I was in high school. And even though my father and step-fathers are both alive, I am not in contact with either of them and I miss having the “men” in my life. I also am sad that my kids do not have any grandfathers in their lives. My husband’s father died 8 years ago when my kids were little.

    Your blogs are always wonderful to read.

  26. Yes, there are two for me. First of all, my dad. He died 8 years ago in February of a stroke at only 63 and I miss him very much every day & know that I always will. He was the one person who i always felt just “got” me. He could always cheer me up when I was down and always made me laugh, and I get my love of animals from him. Which brings me to my next, my cat Chloe. She was unlike any other pet I have ever had–we had just such a strong bond from the moment we met. I had to put her to sleep last April but she lives on in my heart and all of the many pictures I am so glad I took.

  27. Hi Jane,

    Your little boy is just adorable! 🙂 I would love him and hug him and squeeze him as much as you can! As you already know from raising two older boys, they grow oh so fast!

    The person I miss the most is my mother. On April 30th it will mark 11 years that she has been gone. She passed at the young age of 49 after fighting for most of her life with Lupus. There is so much I miss about her. Though I know she is watching from heaven, my biggest sadness is that she never got the opportunity to meet her youngest grandson, who would have I’m sure been her favorite!

    Thank you so much for sharing everything that you share with us! You are a wonderful woman with a great soul! Don’t ever change who you are!



  28. There are 2 people. A cousin of mine was killed in a car accident right after i graduated from high school. He was only 21 and his sister and my brother are i were close cause are ages were really close as well. It was the first closer person i ever lost and he was so young. I still miss him and that was 20 years ago. The other person was my husband’s brother. He was only 21 also and also killed in a car accident. He had a new born son only 2 months old to make matters worse. It was so hard i felt awful for my husband as this was his baby brother and my husband was 11 years older took care of his little brother when he was a baby. It really was just a awful time for the family. He’s been gone 5 years now and you can see him in his little boys who just adores my husband.

    Makes you think about those around you and appreciate them more since you never know if they’ll be around the next day.


    Your little guy is adorable Jane! Love those eyes!

  29. Wonderful post, Jane. I love everything about that Mac photo, but the 2nd time I looked I noticed his hair. It looks so soft and sweet. It probably has applesauce or some other food item in it half the time, but I bet it’s always a treat to nuzzle and kiss his cute head!! OK, now I know I miss having a baby….

    Thanks for posting about those gone who are dearly missed. I lost 5 significant family members in the course of 3 years and it was very tough for me. Those I miss most are my dad and my Gram. My dad, well because he’s my dad. I can no longer share my children with him or be the recipient of his goofy emails. Sometimes I see people that remind me of him (his stature, his skin, etc.) and that makes me a little sad. I would give a LOT to hug him again, smell his cheek and tell him I love him.

    My Gram because she always had so much wisdom and imparted it with very few words. I have quite a few Gram-isms I use on a daily basis (whether out loud or in my head). It makes me miss her, but I see her photo on my fridge every day and I know she’s watching me imparting all that wisdom when I need it most. I know she’d be proud of me.

    Shannon in Tustin

  30. I cannot believe how big Mac is getting! What a cutie. Time has flown.

    I miss my Papa (maternal grandfather) all the time. He was an amazing man, whom I adored. He’s been gone since my early teens, but I still remember him as if it were yesterday. He used to phone me and ask “Where’s my sweetheart?” and I’d answer “Right here” — every time. It was our routine. He used to hold my hand and go for walks with me and I was never embarrassed by him. I wish my children had someone like him in their lives. While they have several grandparents (due to both mine and dh’s parents being split up) none are the way my Papa was with me. It’s so much more distant with the grandparents now. At least in my world. It makes me sad.

  31. Mac is such a cutie.
    Grandparents are so special. My grandmother died a couple years ago. She was the last of my grandparents. They all held a special place in my heart. I didn’t know how special they were until they were gone. I wish I had made more time to spend with them.

  32. I lost my mom in 1992, but before she pasted away, I moved back home from south fla. to take care of her. I’m so glad I did for we both got to know each other better. Anyways, she was always their for me, not matter what, without questions. I have alot of her things, so I think about her everyday, I miss her alot. Especially around this time of year for Easter and birthday’s are in April. She would make our day special, at any age. My son only had alittle time with his Nonnie, and Marian who’s named after my mom, only know her by pictures and my stories that I’ve talked her ear about, she’s always in my heart even though she’s in heaven. I know she’s looking down at us all with love.

  33. What a gorgeous baby! My youngest turns 20 today and my first granddaughter turns one month today!
    I still miss my Dad. Wish he could see how much the kids have grown. Wish he could be here.

  34. I’ve been lucky, so far, and haven’t had anyone really close to me in my family pass away. Two years ago a friend, and neighbor, lost her battle with cancer and I think of her often. She has three boys, one in college now, one in 9th grade, and one in 6th grade – my son’s age, and a friend to my son. She was an amazing person, so kind and funny. Every single time I talked to her she made me laugh, and I love to laugh. She had amazing strength and such a strong positive attitude throughout the 5 years she battled cancer. Heaven is blessed with a wonderful angel.

  35. My Grandma Benson is the one who I think of most. She was an amazing woman. She loved her Cubs and was the world’s best baker! When she stayed with us, I’d come home from school to things like cream puffs and cookies and cakes! She loved to let loose and I have memories of her having one too many and doing the splits!! Ha! What a lady!

  36. Thursday, May 26, 2005, just days before my 35 birthday, my mom passed away. You may recall, Jane, that you were at Borders that Monday evening of the 23rd discussing The Frog Prince.

    My mom was at Kaiser just minutes away, and she knew that you were coming (as I had talked about it quite a bit) and she wanted me to go see you and take a break from “babysitting your mama in the hospital” for just a bit. I did not know that she would die just three days later, but we had a wonderful time talking about your book, and she wanted all the details of the event.

    If not for my mom, I doubt that I would love books as much as I do, or aspire to write and encourage it in my children. bittersweet memories of my mom flood me sometimes on a daily basis, especially when one of the kids does something she would get a kick out of, or something wonderful. I miss her, and wish I had her here with me.

  37. My goodness – Mac is so big. LOOK at that face! SO CUTE!

    We lost my grandmother 3 years ago this July just a month before her 89th birthday, after 6 long months of continuous decline. I was exhausted by then from making multiple trips every week down and back from North Jersey to Philadelphia to get/keep my mother by my grandmother’s bedside. And by the time she passed away, it was almost a relief for all of us, especially her, that she wasn’t struggle to get every breath.

    Watching my grandfather dedicate his every waking moment to her care was heartrending and heartwarming at the same time. Once, during a particularly difficult day, he sat in front of her chair, face to face, tears streaming down his face, his eyes fixed on hers as she struggled to breathe, as though taking each breath with her, for her, willing her to carry on. I had to leave the room; my heart was breaking for the both of them.

    We never thought he’d make it through the first minute, the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first year without her. Gradually the days he spent staring off into space lessened and eventually he learned how to breathe and smile and laugh again, though in a completely new way. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have 3 of my 4 grandparents live nearly to and into their 90s and cherish each and every moment I can continue to spend with them.

  38. Hi Jane. Wow! I have lost so many people dear to me that I miss everday and love SO much! I guess the most significant would be my father. He passed away just before X-mas 8 years ago just a couple years after I graduated high school. I had a bad string of luck that started with my dads passing and over the next few years after I also lost my grandfather, my uncle and a close friend. I miss them all so much everyday and just thank god for the time I DID get with them because it was/is so precious! I think about my dad everyday and tell him how much I love him and I know he is watching and listening as are your father and grandmother. 🙂

  39. Love your pics of the baby! Thanks for sharing.

    The person I miss every day is my sister. She passed away in November 2007 of an unknown brain tumor. She was only 36 years old and left behind my two beautiful nieces. Her death was so tragic in so many ways, but also made me focus on my own children and to thank God I am here to take care of them. I will miss my poor sister for the rest of my life! Her death is a lesson to women everywhere to listen to your body even if your doctors are telling you all is fine.

  40. Jane,
    April 29th (the day I fly into Montana) is 5 years that my best friend Pam passed away suddenly. She had a massive coronary in her bathroom in the middle of the night 5 weeks before her 40th birthday. I loved her and her death devastated me for at least 2 years. I lived in a very deep, very dark hole. There are times where I think her death was yesterday but then I think these must be the longest 5yrs of my life. The hurt is still there that she was just too young to die. She had so much to do still. And I would do anything just to hear her voice again. But instead of crawling into that deep dark hole on the 29th of next month, I am celebrating her life by reaching a goal of mine. I am flying by myself across the country for the first time. I got married at 21 and never did anything on my own so this is a massive step for me. She would cheer me on and probably really is…She lived life to the fullest and encouraged everyone around her to do the same. I have my memories and pictures and little mementos that keep me going and of course, my friends now. They are rocks in my life. I don’t know what I would do without them.

    Hope your memories help you as much as mine help me. See you in 33 days!!

  41. What a darling picture of Mac!

    When I was little I had 11 aunts and uncles and their spouses and both grandparents on my mother’s side of the family and 8 aunts and uncles and their spouses and my grandmother on my father’s side AND loads of cousins. Now I have only my father from his family and 1 aunt and 1 uncle on my mother’s side both having lost their mates. How I miss them all, their unique personalities and how at my mom’s family home everyone came for Sunday dinner and it was loud with happy talk, good food and the clink of dominos being played by the men. That was music to nap by for a little girl. And, I so miss my mom who was the only person ever to think that I was “magic.” I miss that a lot! I do feel blessed to have had them all in my life.

  42. Mac is really turning into a little boy. Look at that hair.
    He is a cutie pie, you just can’t help but run to him when he isn’t happy.

    I also wish that someone would come running when I cry. It seems that never happens.

    I haven’t really had anyone close to me die yet.
    But my baby went to college this year and just going into her room makes me feel a bit lost and lonely.

  43. I miss my Aunt Ethel. She lived on the East coast most of my life and finally moved back home where I could get to know her as an adult and then we lost her. She had beat cancer before, but didn’t make it this time. It was really hard, I was just getting to really know her, she was an amazing woman. It’s been a couple of years now and I still miss her.

  44. My friend Deb, with whom I shared the love of photography and image. Every time I see the type of thing we would point out to each other, it takes me a bit before I realize she not there anymore.

    That Mac is beautiful. Loss in the heart and joy over the new – that’s what the cycle of life is all about.

  45. I miss my mom. It has been since 1989 but I think about her every day and often send her little messages in my mind, sort of keeping in touch. I “tell” her things she would be thrilled about and that I miss her and love her. She was the best.

  46. Odd you should write about this. I just finished a post about my grandmother. Her Tahitian name was Miriama. I use miriama as my name on twitter, emails, blogs, all over. Her mother was a Tahitian princess who married a missionary and moved to Oregon. Because her family was thought of as heathens they had to take on “normal” names and my grandma’s became Oma. She was the most amazing grandmother you could ask for. And my favorite person in the world. She was my solace and saviour in my childhood. She was a respite from my parents’ world; I poured out my thoughts in letters to her all my life. I didn’t realize until I was much older that none of my friends wrote to their grandparents unless told to. LOL She was sweet, kind, wise and I miss her EVERY single day of my life. I could go on but it would not be enough. I can only hope to be that same kind of grandma.

  47. Hi Jane,
    Beautiful blog! First of all, I have my first niece!!! Yeah! Ziva Renee was born Monday with a head full of hair and is closer in age to my granddaughter TuesDae than her youngest cousins, my twins, who are 20… GO Figure! Ziva was born about the same time we found my mother-in-law has cancer. We just lost my father-in-law last year in February after a long battle with kidney failure though in the end he suffer a mjor heart attack.
    Everyday I feel myself missing my Grandafather more and more everyday although he’s been gone for 9 years now. The smell of his pipe tobacco, the peanuts he ate constantly, the cans of Papst Blue Ribbon in his frig and how big his ears always looked. Funny, the things we remember.

  48. I miss my parents. People say it gets easier with time, but so far it hasn’t. At least I was able to spend so much time with them and we were so close. Can’t wait to see them again someday.

  49. Both my parents are gone now. I miss my Dad – I still can hear him sing out Goodnight when it was bedtime. He was a good, lovely man. I really miss my Mum – just lately I have so much I would like to talk to her about and I just know she would help me get through the bad times. I miss them more and more each day, so the time passing saying doesn’t work for me and one day, I know I will see them again and I look forward to that with such open arms and heart.
    Lovely post Jane – your words all perfectly said 🙂

  50. My only living grandparent was my grandmother – Mamaw. She died in April of 1987 and I think of her everyday. She was an incredible lady, full of life and energy. She was always ready to go shopping when she came to visit us in DC. Being from West Virginia, there weren’t many malls in her area. I can still feel the softness of her hand in mine as we strolled through the malls. I miss my Mamaw.

  51. Beautiful post Jane. I too have been thinking of my Grandmother. Her anniversary was yesterday, she has been gone way too long. She was the one who brought the joy of reading into my life, I have visions of her sitting with her neat little stacks of books she was going to read. She gave me my first Harlequin!

  52. My father passed away 3 years ago this May from cancer. I miss him everyday. Last year, I did something that he would have been the only one who believed in me when I said I would do. It was terrifying for me to be completing my first half-marathon and having people look at me oddly when I said I was doing it. But I did it and it would have been the most amazing thing to have him at the finish line or even to hear him congratulate me. I miss hearing his voice and seeing his face. I miss him so much! This year, I am headed back to do the same half-marathon and I am raising money for cancer research. It is my way of running this next race for my father!!

    Mac is so adorable!!! I can hardly believe he is almosst a year old! So cute and I know you are enjoying every minute of it!!!

    Blessings to you and your family!

  53. My mom – every day, for over twenty years. I look at my daughter and I pray, every day, that she won’t have to miss me…at least not till she’s about 75:)!

  54. I miss my grandma…she was another mother to me…my dad died when I was 2 and my mom had to go to work, and so my grandparents stood in that gap. She was the one I yearned for after moving to Washington ten years ago more than my own mother, and I love my mother! But my Grandma, well she was a woman to remember! When I get under my blue jean quilt I remember her…when I lean over the sink to wash dishes, I recall how she did the very same thing. I keep a note she wrote to me in my bible and another one in my prayer journal. I have a whole box of letters, actual handwritten letters she wrote to me after we moved away. And every time I write a note to someone else, I think of her…people were important to her. Relationships were important to her…Family was everything to her. And it is everything to me…and I am so thankful she gave that to me.

  55. I love this post, Jane! My dad passed away almost 2 years ago, and I think of him often. One of my co-workers just lost his dad a little while ago, and he said that he was a “great and humble man.” That is exactly how I feel about my dad. He suffered from dementia and we all learned the meaning of that “long goodbye.” It was somewhat of a relief when he finally went to heaven because he had longed for that for a long time. Family is what life is all about, and you have a good one. Happy early birthday to your beautiful little boy. Take Care!


  56. I remember when my grandfather was in a coma on his deathbed. It was the night before his birthday and we knew it wasn’t going to be long. I whispered to him that he could let go whenever he was ready and that I would always take care of my grandma so he didn’t have to worry, and I told him that if I ever had another child I would name the baby for him. Then I told him we would see him on his birthday the following day. The next morning my gramma and I sang him Happy Birthday and told him we love him. Moments later he passed away. A month later, much to my surprise, I was pregnant and as promised I named my daughter for him. And 16 years later I’m still making sure my gramma is OK. She just turned 100 last month.

  57. Hey Jane,

    Now that I feel a little bit more composed, I wanted to respond with something more heartfelt. I had to formulate a quick response yesterday because your entry this time caught me off guard. Something told me to just take a peek at work to see if you had posted anything new. I awe’d and coo’ed over Mac’s pic (very adorable by the way) – then decided to wait. Something told me to wait.

    I’d have been a wreck had I read your post at work. I shouldn’t be on guard… but I am when it comes to my ‘Gramma Wolf’. Honestly, I don’t think I really ever went through the grieving process. I have avoided it. She passed away in 2003. And it’s as if it happened today. I miss her incredibly. The last time I got to see her wasn’t even at her funeral (it was closed casket). I’m trying to remember when it was (I know I still have the 3″ jawbreaker). I see reminders of her though in everything.

    I have a feeling her loss is heightened because she was my one closest tie to my dad. My mom and sister’s of course are a tie, but they weren’t with him through his entire life. I never knew him and Gramma was the one person who had stories no others have. It is time though to make the sadness pass. She wouldn’t want me to still be in this state. And I am exhausted once I end up in this state.

    I’ve been wanting to read the other posts, but I wanted a clear head in writing mine and my own perspective. Plus I didn’t think I’d make it through their’s. I barely made it through your’s and it’s already taken me an hour to type mine up, lol. Some time soon though ~

    Thank you again Jane for this needed outlet. Peace be with you my friend <3

  58. I miss my Mother; especially now that I’m a grandmother. She never experienced her grandchildren and I know how much she would have loved her grandkids and been loved by them.

  59. Oh Jane, Baby Mac is so sweet! He is geting so big!! And What a beautiful post!

    We do miss my husbands parents as they passed away quite a few years ago. Just as we were starting our family. They were able to enjoy the first years of our two older children. I feel there was so much they missed! I know they would have enjoyed watching all three children grow up. Now the kids are 20, 17, & 11 years old! So much I would have shared with them over the years. We miss them!

    I love my grandmother and she is very special to me.
    She is 81 years old.

    I have the day off. My daugther said she would get
    my son off to school this morning. So the dog and I going over to her house this morning to have coffee. She doesn’t know I am coming so it will be a nice surprise!

    Thank You Jane! Love your post! Have a Great Weekend!

  60. i miss my Mom terribly. it will be 12 years on the first day of summer. but i think of her everyday and wish she was here to see the kids grow. it is hard knowing my Dad misses her. i am just glad we had a warning she was going to go, just caught us by surprise that it would happen so fast. but i got to spend a week with her visiting and talking and being able to tell her what a great Mom she was, and that i loved her for all she was to me. it never gets easier, but i just try to live my life to honor her in some way. thanks, jane, for allowing me to tell you what a great Mom i had!!

  61. Hi everybody, I’m in Portland at the PLA Conference and finally able to get access to a computer!

    Just wanted to announce the winner, and I decided to make it two winners since you were all so incredibly touching and inspiring.

    The two winners are:

    #39 Stephanie

    #54 Melissa Parks

    Stephanie and Melissa, please send me your mail address and I’ll get your prize out in Monday’s trip to the post office. Congrats to both and thank you to everyone for sharing.

    I love all of you!!!


  62. “Life is beautiful and heartbreaking and exciting and challenging and it will always be a juggle and a wonder and maybe a struggle. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m alive. I’m doing. Being. Feeling.” Thanks Jane I needed that!

  63. Hi Jane, I just discovered your web site after hearing you speak at PLA this weekend. When I met you this weekend (you were signing copies of your book) I mentioned that I really appreciated you opening up about your personal life during the presentation. Thank you again for doing that. I’ve had a real struggle recently. My only child passed away 1.5 years ago from an enlarged heart brought on by epilepsy. It’s is still so heart breaking to me to wake up every morning not having Cam around. I miss him so much.

    Boys tend to have close relationships with their moms~how lucky you are to now have 3! It definitely makes it easier being able to talk about my son and sharing stories about him with others. Thanks for setting such a great example of opening your heart and sharing part of yourself with the rest of us.

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