I confess–I’m not the model of productivity right now. I’m alarmingly unfocused and when I do sit down to write, its hard to write. It’s like I have clouds and cotton balls in my head instead of brains. I keep wondering if this is perhaps a side effect of hormones? Can lots of estrogen and progesterone make one spacey? As I’ve discovered I’m very good at folding laundry, wiping down kitchen counters and moving toys from one end of house to the other, but when it comes to creating a scene, or sustaining an idea, I just go fuzzy. And get sleepy.
The trouble is, I’m starting to get really excited about meeting Mac. He’s so active and bumps around my tummy and it makes me smile and rub where his head is–high on the right–and talk to him. I don’t have long conversations but say things like, “Hey, Mac” and “What are you doing in there?”
My 10 year old son keeps asking me who I love most, and if I’ll love Mac more than him, or if I’ll love him and his older brother more, and I tell him love isn’t like that. Love isn’t a quantity or a measurable amount. It just is and it just grows and stretches and lasts and grows some more.
Even though the writing is tricky right now I do think about my book almost constantly and my character, Shey, can’t even remember who she was before her sons. She can’t remember what she wanted or who she loved before they changed her heart. I feel that way as a mom. I can’t remember me before Jake and Ty. They’ve been part of my life so long that my life and my identity is being mom. Their mom. I know I’m a writer and I have lots of interests besides the boys, but nothing is more challenging, nothing is more rewarding, nothing is more beautiful and fierce and alive than having these kids and helping them prepare for the life ahead, the life when they aren’t with me and every thought and every breath.
I suppose compared to twenty year old moms I’m going to be an old mom. But in my heart, there’s no age, no fatigue, no limitation. I just love my kids. I love being their mom. And I can’t believe that in less than sixty days there will be a new little face to learn, and new little eyes to look up at me, and a new little life to kiss, and cuddle, and cherish.
Wow, I think this is the best description of being a mom that I’ve ever read. Congrats on the new life.
My youngest is 9 years old. When I go pick her up at school and see the young moms picking up their kindergarteners, in their cut off shortie shorts and belly button rings, and tiny t-shirts that say “Viva la Bam” on the front, I DO feel older, but I also feel very accomplished and wise and…smarter than them! And definitely classier…
You will be a gorgeous wonderful mom to baby Mac!
I love what you said about love not being a quantity or a measurable amount. It just grows and grows and stretches. I love that!
I don’t have children but I get what you mean. (Plus, I didn’t want you to think I only post when there’s a prize involved. :-)) Love is so awesome that way in whatever form it takes. It’s not only “just” but also “in addition to” and though there may be degrees between love for kid versus love for partner versus love for parent versus love for cat (that last would be me) the amount of love for each is unquantifiable.
Pretty cool.
Can’t wait for those first pics of Mac!
You’ll get through it all. You and the boys.
Wow, nicely said. You took the words right out of my heart.
I have to admit, reading your accounts makes my heart ache for another little one. I was only blessed with one biological child and two wonderful twin stepdaughters. I still wish I would have had one more but God had other plans for me…
I love living vicariously through your pregnancy! Thanks for sharing!!
It seems impossible… but, you seem to be able to write with so much more passion, vigor, description, and life! This peice really melted into my heart. The words so true… I have two children with medical conditions and though it has been the scariest, stressful and most tiring time in my life…I would not miss it for the world. I could not imagine not having my little blessings! (And we are good with 2!)
Sending hugs, and all the energy I can, your way!
So exciting, Jane. Can’t wait to hear about baby Mac and you certainly have plenty of reason to be sleepy and/or unfocused!! Besides, all that thinking about your story is going to pay off in the long run. I find the longer I wait to write (within reason of course :)) and the more I just let the ideas and characters take up residence in my mind, the better the story is, and the easier the writing.
Jane, this is one of my favorite posts!!! I love the answer you gave your son about loving all our children. My daughters always ask this question, but you have the perfect answer!
I’m so excited to meet Baby Mac and see some pics of him…he has a big fan base already:-)
Sending many hugs!
aka Auntie Meg (LOL)
I remember being pregnant with my third, Jackson. At the time my husband and I already had a boy & girl (4 & 2 years old) I remember thinking I couldn’t possibly love anyone as much as I already loved them. Of course I was wrong. It’s funny how your heart just grows and grows! Mine is like the Grinch’s that is 2 sizes too big!
Hooray for Baby Mac! I can’t wait to see the MacBump this weekend and then meet him in a few months!
Well said Jane! I love your outlook on things. I was 34 when I had my one and only child and I will never forget it. There is nothing like a mothers love. Although my son is 19 now, he still lives at home and going to college. I still treat him like a newborn, well maybe not a newborn but the love is still the same and I would do anything for him and he knows it.
Yup! Everything we do is all because of our deepest desire to nuture, love, protect and inspire them to be the very best humans they possibly can. And we do it each day without pause, but with passion!
You speak for so many moms today, Jane. Thank you!!
You should save that posting for your children, very beautiful.
I cracked up at the “cotton balls as brains”. You’re hilarious.
Beautiful post, Jane. It reminds me of a quote I heard years ago by Elizabeth Stone…”Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
Blessings to you and your boys!
You are going to be a fantastic mom. you already are but you really know what you are doing now.
I figure hormones are the culprit to cotton between the ears. I am heavy into the perimenapause and sometimes I don’t know what I am doing. Thank goodnes for post-its.
i know your boys are going to fall in love with the baby. they are going to have a little brother to love and protect real soon.
You absolutely have the whole mom thing right. I agree with everyone else: beautiful post.
Jane, I met you a Girlfriend Weekend in Jefferson, Tx. I love your books. You must have been in my head when you wrote Flirting With Forty. The thoughts are almost identical to my own. I couldnt put Ms. Perfect down. Read it in one day. Cant wait til your next book is published. Keep up the good work. Hug those boys too!
Being a mom is the time I ever had, and I enjoyed it to the max! The very best time was the first 5 years, from the kicks inside and the exciting anticipation of birth to the sweet/funny things our son said and just seeing the world through those fresh eyes. I envy you being a mom later in life as it will extend that special time for you for more years. It is great to have a boy grow up to be a wonderful man but nothing beats those early, tender years for making your life full and meaningful. Looking for a purpose driven life – have children!
That crazy woman who had 8 at once did it all wrong because spacing them out keeps your life filled with the joys of childhood longer.
Aww. Jane, this is so sweet and just captures the definition of being a mom! I, too, like all moms out there, don’t remember not being a mom. I was 23 when I had our daughter and she is turning 10 in June. I don’t remember the carefree days of running around without kids and their schedules. I don’t remember what it was like to have a quiet dinner and eat it while it’s hot. But that’s ok because I wouldn’t have it any other way:) Also, if I don’t remember it, I can’t miss it right?
By the way, the love is not measurable answer was genius…Never thought of that answer before…I just always said it was impossible…Leave it to the author to point that out!!
Take care and enjoy every second of little Mac and the older boys!! I used to love talking to the babies when I was pregnant…mostly it was to tell them to behave since I had such pregnancy problems but I also wanted to know what on earth they were doing in there:)
I loved being pregnant, but I remember being an air head and being so tired I would close my eyes and dream! I think its the hormones and being a mom. I still feel like that now after 12 years!
I call it “Momnesia”.
Don’t worry about being old! I see moms of all ages and I think us older moms have the advantage!
Take care!
Those were some lovely thoughts on parenthood and I wish every mom felt like you did. The world would be a better place.
Jane, something you might show your sons is a candle that is lighted…tip an unlit candle toward the flame to light that one…then another candle and another.The flame from the first candle is not diminished…nor is it from the 2nd or 3rd…So, it is with Love. This is something I remember from my own childhood;)
Blessings…mj
Beautiful sentiments, Jane! Although I’m not blessed to be a mother, I am a doting auntie/godmother to 4. And I do love them fiercely as if they were my own, so I can relate to what you described. 🙂
Wow- beautiful sentiments! And beautifully expressed.
I think hormones affect our thinking and feelings so much. Maybe it’s nature’s way of making sure we slow down and be involved emotionally instead of allowing the linear, intellectual, unemotional brain dominate.