I was up at 6 this morning to drive my two big boys to the Honolulu airport to fly home for school tomorrow. I follow on Thursday with Mac. The boys were supposed to be going home to their dad but he’s still not well after breaking his femur and I can’t get another ticket out for a couple days so here we are.
Obviously, Hawaii’s not a bad place to be–this is paradise, after all–but it’s tough sending my boys away. I always get sad.
Maybe I’m too clingy of a mom, or too emotionally connected but it hurts when they head off. It shouldn’t. They’re 11 and 14 and there’s a baby here needing me, but those boys are still my boys and it doesn’t feel the same when they’re not with me.
Yesterday son Ty asked me if I’d cut my arm off if it meant I’d save him or his brother Jake. It was casually asked as we walked around Waikiki. I told him of course. I’d cut both off without hestitation. Moms love their children. Moms would do anything for their children.
So why do I feel so conflicted though about my work, my writing, and motherhood? I can’t write when I’m actively mothering. I can’t write when I’m cooking or driving carpool or folding laundry. I need to write though. It’s so much who I am. It’s as much me as my name or my hair color or my blood type. But the children…they have such pressing needs, so immediate. How do I justify pouring so much of my energy into my work when they’re only small for a short time?
I don’t have answers. As I can’t not be mom. Nor can I give up writing, even if it is consuming. I suppose all I can do is juggle, and hope that finding balance is enough.
But the boys…they’re still in the air. I won’t feel right, won’t feel secure, until the plane touches down and I know they’re home safe.
Do you ever feel pulled? Guilty that you’re not enough, doing enough, being enough? And do you think men ever feel this way? Tell me what you think and you could win my Taste of Sunshine package, a sunny Hawai prize package that’s bright, cheery, yummy and fun. I’ll draw a name from the comments below on Monday night midnight and announce the winner Tuesday morning. So talk to me, and maybe you’ll win!